I couldn't sleep tonight. I have so many things going on in my mind and I'm not sure where to begin. I think each aspect of my life is driving me to a breaking point.

School
My first day as a graduate student begins on August 26th. I couldn't feel more unprepared.
I truly feel inadequate. I'm scared that I don't belong there. I fear that everyone else will be smarter than me or want it more than me. I'm going into a 4 year program that I've actually only had 3 classes in. I keep telling myself that I am there to learn and they don't expect me to know anything, but my mind just isn't listening to me.  I just hope that I love it as much as I think I do. Last month, I registered for my classes. I was surprised to see that I'm taking 16 hours. The program is designed so that the entering class takes the same classes with each other the entire time. That means I don't have a choice in which classes I sign up for. I expected that. I'm just feeling overwhelmed already by the class load and the fact that they are in the same subject. I also don't like that 3 of the 5 classes are 1 day a week for 3 hours. It isn't looking good. This leads me into the other topic that has been bothering me.

School Finances
For the first time in my college career I had to take out a very large student loan. The government doesn't give grants to graduate students and I don't have any scholarships because there aren't any in my field. I was really excited when I qualified for the full amount of the better of the two federal loans. I expected my school year to be $10,000 in tuition only. I forgot that I have to take a full load during the summers. So I accepted the maximum amount for the loan - $8,000 - and now I'm stuck with textbooks plus a summer session. I really wanted to make this borrowing money thing as painless as possible, but I don't think that's going to happen.

Future Finances
I'm expecting my student loan bills to be around $50,000 once everything is finished. It will be a car payment 6 months after I graduate for the next 10 years of my life. My career doesn't pay. I'm scared. I really wanted to do the right thing and get a great education for a semi-prestigious career so I can start a family, buy a house, and enjoy being upper middle class. That seems so out of reach. I really need my husband to step it up. Right now I feel like the future is going to be on my shoulders. I'm not strong enough for that.

Current Finances
We are poor. I'm tired of it. I can't worry about this while I'm in school. I'm so tired of having to worry about it now. I don't have a job and I won't be able to for the next 3 years. I don't contribute but I have to make sure everything stays in order. I can't do it anymore. I need help.

Social
I have officially lived in Denton for two years and I haven't made any friends. I need them. I have recently rekindled past friendships and I'm so grateful for that, but being around it made me need it now.

Family
I  feel so distant from my family that I almost don't feel a part of it anymore.

Health
I did very well in my weight loss journey last year. I lost 70 pounds, bringing me 5 pounds shy of what is considered a healthy weight. I'm 20 lbs heavier than what I was my last year of high school, but I fit into all of those teenage clothes. I'm happy about how far I have come, but what has been stressing me out is trying to lose the extra 5 pounds. I have spent the last 8 months trying to bring that number down. I want to work out. I get access to the gym on campus as soon as the fall semester starts. I really wish I had someone to work out with. It is so much easier to exercise with someone on your level that really wants to see results. And....

Driving
I would need to go to the gym before class and before clinic. I have no way of making that happen. Even if I managed to get there, I would still have to carry so much stuff around with me all day until I could take a bus at night. I feel so worthless. I want to learn. It isn't even about me being scared. If I get into an accident it will be my fault and it will be in the only vehicle I would be able to drive in. It also happens to be our primary vehicle. Financially, we cannot afford for that to happen. Everyone keeps pressuring me about learning and asking me about it. It is way more complicated for them to understand. I want to. I wish I could. I just can't.

To-Do List
The smallest of my worries just happens to be my lengthy to-do list. It consists mostly of minor things such as going through the closets and packing up things to make room for a new professional wardrobe my parents have been saving for. I want to get my scrapbook in order, which will consists of a few trips to the store to get supplies. I need to plan a baby shower that I don't have the money for. Many tasks go along with that one. Also, getting school supplies together and older notes in order to prepare for the next step in my life.

I feel so overwhelmed with responsibilities and emotions.

This year started out to be the worst year of my life.

Things are really looking up now.

I graduate in 4 weeks! I still can't believe it and I'm still freaking out.

I'm not sure what the plan is after that because I haven't been given any definite answers for grad school. I have been wait-listed by both schools. That really sucked for me but I wasn't exactly rejected and if enough people reject their admission then I could possibly get in. I don't like to not know what I am going to do and where I am going to be, so I also applied to a masters program for education so I can get a masters degree and teachers certificate and continue on with my life. I just need to have a plan and if I don't get into the program I want then there is always the other (less appealing) opinion. I don't want to stop going to school so I  decided on that. So no matter what happens I should be going to some type of graduate school. It all depends on if I get into the other two schools. If that doesn't work out then I am moving back to Victoria to save money. I am not looking forward to that, but that way Brian and I can buy a house sooner rather than later. The masters program is with UHV and it is online so I don't need to live in Victoria-- but it makes sense financially.

I made a deal with my parents to stop giving me money every month once I finished undergrad. I think it is only fair because 4 years of school is the norm and going beyond that should be my responsibility. That is really making me nervous because that means I officially get cut off next month. It also means no more federal grants because the government doesn't help you with school once you get your bachelors degree. So I need to find a job. Finding a job is difficult for me because I have the degree but no experience. I am not qualified to do anything! If we move back to Victoria I am seriously thinking about applying to Walmart because that is the only place that would hire me. Life post-grad is going to suck and that is why I'm opting for a teacher's certificate so that I could actually be qualified for something and start making a crappy salary-- anything would be better than minimum wage.

Moving back to Victoria also has some benefits other than just financial. We would be close to our families which is something we have been away from for two years. Also, my aunt is letting us stay in an extra house she owns rent free for one year. I know that is still financial but it is also an incredible opportunity for us.

What else...?

Brian's sister is pregnant. That was actually the second reason that the year starting off sucking so much. She found out back in February and it has been very difficult for everyone. I was devastated-- for selfish reasons. I do not want children right now but I always hoped that Brian and I would give the first grandchild[son].  That leads me into my first reason the year started out so crappy. We found out we are going to have some trouble conceiving. Something is wrong with me and I can't afford to have the appropriate tests and procedures done because I don't have health insurance. When we found out she was pregnant, Brian and I both had mixed feelings of disappointment/anger/jealousy...Obviously we were not trying to get pregnant but it just sucked. I think it was more along the lines of the fact that we are almost finished with school, married, and if anything like that should have happened it should have been to us. It would have been more exciting for everyone if it was us.... Minus the financial part, but we are closer to it than they are. Also I have 10 friends, seriously 10 friends that are pregnant. Even though I am truly happy for them, it is just a constant reminder of my own reproductive problems.

So because of the unexpected pregnancy, we also thought it was a good idea to be around for support for his parents and also the fact that they may not be able to financially help us anymore since there is a whole extra life in the picture. They said nothing would change if Brian continues to grad school (which he wants -- more on that in a later post). His sister also dropped out of college and does not plan on going back so they don't have to worry about that aspect. They only help us out if we continue school so I'm not sure if they are giving her anything anymore, but I'm sure they will once the baby comes. Which I don't have a problem with, but I want to be prepared if something like that interferes.

There was also something else that happened with my family but I just hate talking about it. It isn't a big deal since Brian and I live so far right now, but I'm not looking forward to being close to awkwardness. It was very traumatizing and I wish to forget it. It is important that we be there and it also has a financial aspect too which also contributes to living in Victoria.

Moving on...

I (My dad) bought everything I needed for graduation.

Invitations - $120
Honor Cords - $23
Cap & Gown - $37
Honor's Stole - $29
Class Ring - $300

My sister bought me a beautiful dress.
Dress $125
Sweater $60
Shoes $14

My parents are also buying me pearls and matching earrings to wear. I'm really excited about that.

I need to hire someone to take my pictures. I want graduation pictures since I never bought any for high school or anything.

So it has been a very expensive process.

Now I need to get going. I have an end of the year party with my honor society. More on everything later.

Oh and a few days ago was the anniversary of my xanga-- officially 6 years old! Wow!

February 10 - 17, 2010

The worst week ever.